Guys. Bookwyrms. Fellow Valley Gurls. I think Tommy Wiseau wrote this one.

Kate William(🤨?) Sweet Valley High: Super Edition #1: Perfect Summer. New York: Bantam, 1985.

Rating for the first half of the book: WTF out of 5 times Elizabeth Wakefield’s eyes glisten with crystalline tears over the strange behavior of her handsome, loving, perfect boyfriend Todd Wilkins, who seems to have fallen under the wicked spell of the dazzling but duplicitous new girl, Courtney Thomas.

Playlist:

• “Everything You Know Is Wrong,” by Weird Al Yankovic
• “Barbie Girl,” by Aqua
• “Bad Girls,” by M.I.A. and Rye Rye
• “Sidewalk Surfer,” by Sweet Valley
• “Bicycle Race,” by Queen

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Seriously, I have no idea what’s going on here. I feel more disoriented than I did with that Y2K Super Thriller.

Did the ghostwriter decide to play an elaborate prank? Or did all the ghostwriters catch the flu from Book 89, forcing Francine to call up the starry-eyed-but-so-awkward-they-failed-the-initial-interview Pulitzer hopeful who’s just SO confident they threw themselves in the deep end?

Is this the Ember Island Players episode of Sweet Valley High?

Find out next post! 😈😈😈😈😈

Srsly, this needs to be a two-parter. Partly because it’s fun. Partly because this book is just so surreal I’ll probably fill 90% of the post with quotes. And partly because I’m headed for an actual, honest-to-Katy-Perry beach vacay in about an hour and wanted to at least sneak in a half-review while it’s still Gemini season. 😅

Stay tuned, Bookwyrms!

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Tearbending GIF from WiffleGIF.